Over the summer, perhaps to forget the bitter taste in my mouth left from a recent break up, I joined an online dating site. In the spirit of discretion we'll call this site OkStupid. This wasn't my first, nor my second adventure in online dating. This was my third pathetic attempt to meet somebody online, you'd think I'd have learned by now...
Before I go any further, I suppose I should say that I harbor no judgement toward people who use these sites - clearly I've used them myself and understand why they're appealing. I also know that these sites are sometimes successful in matching people and starting healthy, happy relationships. However, much like sex on the first date, this appears to be the exception rather than the rule.
I'd had a brief stint with OkStupid the previous summer, when I grew tired of trying to meet people the good old fashioned way. I was still in a vulnerable place from a relationship that had ended a couple years earlier, and that's when I met M. We chatted for a couple months online, I enjoyed talking to him, he made me laugh, so we arranged to meet up. I quickly learned that M had some vulnerability of his own, however. He'd been through some traumatic experiences in his past and had also been cheated on by his ex-fiance. We dated for a few weeks, but it quickly fizzled out and I was back at square one.
A couple months later, still too busy to meet someone in real life, I met C online. C seemed less damaged, fun, thoughtful...until the third date. At that point it became obvious that he had a plan - invest a predetermined amount of time and money for three dates, and on the third date receive the "pay out." He got pushy, I refused, he disappeared.
It was around this time that I deleted my account, and didn't turn back until this summer. That was when I met J. I thought this one was different - he was normal, sociable, never pushy or disrespectful, and we hit it off. We dated for a couple of months, met each others friends, started to get comfortable. I was aware he was still seeing other people, but since our relationship wasn't physical and I wasn't his girlfriend I didn't mind. But one month passed, then two months...after the first couple dates he stopped putting effort into seeing me. We had one last date - dinner at my place. We had a great evening, and then he disappeared without a trace, leaving me with the big blinking question mark over my head.
Through my trial and error process I came to realize some things about the online dating world. There are a lot of reasons we go online looking for dates, but most of them end up as excuses. My excuse was always "I'm too busy to find someone in the real world." But I realized if busy people could start relationships before the internet then I could too. Plus, if I'm really that busy then maybe the real answer is making time for myself, and forcing myself to go out into the real world every so often. A relationship, started online or off, is not going to be healthy if I can't even set aside time for myself - the same goes for men I meet online. Also, while I agree that many men go online looking for easy sex, I think a great deal may start out with better intentions but fall into that trap over time. The online dating scene quickly turns us into the kid in the candy store, making serial dating as easy as shopping for a new shirt. I truly believe that a lot of these men (and women) don't go into this situation with the intention of becoming a serial dater, but I think it inevitably happens over time and becomes habit-forming. Online dating also takes the thrill of the chase out of the equation, and dating etiquette quickly falls by the wayside. Before online dating you were considered a jerk if you dated someone for months, then disappeared off the face of the earth without so much as a "goodbye" phone call. Now the disappearing act is just a part of the whole cycle - the feeling of anonymity and loss of connection is still there even after a few dates, and it's easy to break things off when you have five more strangers waiting in line. I also think this anonymity turns us to the internet in vulnerable times, like break-ups, to help us pad our egos or run from our fears of rejection. We can hide behind our computer screens instead of taking the time to face our loneliness or other baggage. This also sets us up for inevitable failure.
Armed with all these ideas, I took a deep breath and hit the delete button on my OkStupid account. Perhaps I really am too busy to find love in the real world right now, but maybe that's okay. I'm actually quite happy with my life. Even though I still feel that occasional pang coming home to an empty apartment, I realize that I'm a little lonely but not alone. I have friends that I love, and an incredibly challenging graduate program to fill my time. I don't need to fill my time with less-than-fulfilling relationships with near strangers. And - I've decided that the next man I meet is going to have to woo me the old fashioned way.
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