Good grief I hope this one doesn't get me baker acted.
I am at a point where if it weren't for my cat or my family or my friends who care about me, I'd end it. I'm not so selfish I'd put them all through that kind of suffering, so I'm just going to keep going. I also believe in God and that killing myself would be tantamount to spitting in His face, and I don't really want to do that either.
I'm just tired of living. My life is just a series of deadlines of meaningless things I don't even care about, but that professors will magnify to the importance of brain surgery just to exaggerate what a massive failure I am. And that's pretty much it. I'm so broke I don't even know if I'll make rent next month or be able to pay my bills. I can't afford to eat, I don't have time to sleep, and yet I'm expected to have the energy and drive to keep going and perform well.
My mother is dead, she died in late October several years ago, and ever since this time of year has been hard for me. While I love my father and sister, they don't understand me like she did. Nobody does. She was the only one in the family I felt so close to, and when she died I lost my biggest source of support, my sounding board, and the voice of conscience I didn't always want to listen to. I thought that I could perhaps buffer the pain of losing her with one day starting my own family, but that's another part of my life that's become a failure.
I had two very long relationships that went nowhere. The last one was incredibly abusive, and it took a couple years of counseling to undo most of the damage. Since then, I've been alone. I wish I could say I was okay with that, but to be honest I think it would be unnatural for me to entirely accept living alone in an apartment with no possibilities for a family of my own in the future. That may work for some people, but it doesn't for me. I did the stupid thing this year and fell in love with a man in my department. We were friends for a year, I thought I knew him and could trust him. He ran off with an ex girlfriend this summer, and now they're engaged to be married and pictures of the happy couple are splashed all over Facebook. She'll be working in our department next semester. He was just an interruption in a series of creeps who tried to use me for easy sex and then disappeared when they didn't get it. I'll be 28 in a month. The day after Christmas, and like most years I will spend it alone. Christmas, birthday, New Years...
So why should I stick around? So that it can get better? So far it just gets more painful. I'm constantly in a state of anxiety over my finances and my success at school. I have no support network and an empty home. My mom's dead. Men just keep hurting me - no matter how many times I've changed or broken the pattern - they just keep hurting me. I set myself up, they knock me down. All I ever really wanted was a simple roof over my head, a steady job, and a family of my own, and instead I just have pain launched at me from all sides with no escape. There's just no point.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Ramblings on Linguistic Elitism
Being bilingual (English/Spanish) and having taught English in Latin America and Spanish here in the U.S. I have grown exhausted with linguistic elitism. I'm not referring this time to language snobs and their hatred of slang...but rather this petty, international "my country's dialect is better than yours" elitism that is mildly confusing in every day life, but infuriatingly obnoxious in academia.
British English vs. American English - which one is more correct? For the love of God and all that is holy they are both correct. They are both methods of communication that most English-speaking human beings with more than half a brain cell will be able to understand within context. Who cares if you say apartment or flat? They both mean the same damned thing, and within context of a real conversation or a real piece of text in a book or magazine, most people will figure it out. However, when I lived in Latin America and taught English there, regardless of my status as a native speaker of English from the United States, my English was regularly brought under scrutiny because I spelled and said things differently than the rest of my (British) colleagues, and the text books (most of which were published by Cambridge University). "Center" is just as correct as "centre" as is "theater/theatre" "favorite/favourite" etc. However, by the reaction I regularly got by students, colleagues and supervisors, you'd think my American usage was tantamount to teaching "I'm gonna talk 2 u l8er 2nite, k?" This was irritating enough, but at least I could always bring up the point that English is indeed my first language, and if they consult a good dictionary they would in fact see that several million people on this side of the pond accept my usage of the language as correct. Teaching Spanish here is a whole other issue...
Who's Spanish is "more correct" is a common matter of debate in the Spanish-speaking world. Ask anybody from any Spanish speaking country and they will usually have a list of which countries speak correctly, and which countries speak horribly. ("Oh, Spain's Spanish is so antiquated!" "Puertoricans only speak Spanglish!" "The Argentinians think they're better than everyone else but nobody can understand them!") And again, at my current job, I constantly run into the problem of my Spanish not being European enough. While thankfully the majority of my professors are familiar enough with Mexican Spanish to accept my usage as correct, the exchange students from Seville who visit every year are another matter. Some are nice enough, thinking they're taking this poor, ignorant American under their wing and helping her see the error of her ways. Others correct me as if I were their own student. This wouldn't be so incredibly frustrating if I weren't aware that millions of people all over Latin America speak precisely the same way that I do. I've been speaking Spanish since I was three years old. It's my second language, but a very close second. I grew up with more Caribbean Spanish, and then lived in Mexico for several years. However, you'd think by some people's reactions I was a first year student incapable of correctly stringing together a sentence. The more open-minded ones will give me a confused look when I use a more Latin American term for something, and once I explain to them what I'm saying they'll take me at my word that this is indeed how millions of people say this word. The elitist snobs will giggle and correct me patronizingly - "Oh no, I've never heard that word before. The correct term is ____." (They say this regardless of the fact that a quick google search or an actual conversation with people from this hemisphere will prove otherwise)
Guess what, world? There is usually more than one way to say something, and appearances are not always what they seem. Open your freaking minds, please.
British English vs. American English - which one is more correct? For the love of God and all that is holy they are both correct. They are both methods of communication that most English-speaking human beings with more than half a brain cell will be able to understand within context. Who cares if you say apartment or flat? They both mean the same damned thing, and within context of a real conversation or a real piece of text in a book or magazine, most people will figure it out. However, when I lived in Latin America and taught English there, regardless of my status as a native speaker of English from the United States, my English was regularly brought under scrutiny because I spelled and said things differently than the rest of my (British) colleagues, and the text books (most of which were published by Cambridge University). "Center" is just as correct as "centre" as is "theater/theatre" "favorite/favourite" etc. However, by the reaction I regularly got by students, colleagues and supervisors, you'd think my American usage was tantamount to teaching "I'm gonna talk 2 u l8er 2nite, k?" This was irritating enough, but at least I could always bring up the point that English is indeed my first language, and if they consult a good dictionary they would in fact see that several million people on this side of the pond accept my usage of the language as correct. Teaching Spanish here is a whole other issue...
Who's Spanish is "more correct" is a common matter of debate in the Spanish-speaking world. Ask anybody from any Spanish speaking country and they will usually have a list of which countries speak correctly, and which countries speak horribly. ("Oh, Spain's Spanish is so antiquated!" "Puertoricans only speak Spanglish!" "The Argentinians think they're better than everyone else but nobody can understand them!") And again, at my current job, I constantly run into the problem of my Spanish not being European enough. While thankfully the majority of my professors are familiar enough with Mexican Spanish to accept my usage as correct, the exchange students from Seville who visit every year are another matter. Some are nice enough, thinking they're taking this poor, ignorant American under their wing and helping her see the error of her ways. Others correct me as if I were their own student. This wouldn't be so incredibly frustrating if I weren't aware that millions of people all over Latin America speak precisely the same way that I do. I've been speaking Spanish since I was three years old. It's my second language, but a very close second. I grew up with more Caribbean Spanish, and then lived in Mexico for several years. However, you'd think by some people's reactions I was a first year student incapable of correctly stringing together a sentence. The more open-minded ones will give me a confused look when I use a more Latin American term for something, and once I explain to them what I'm saying they'll take me at my word that this is indeed how millions of people say this word. The elitist snobs will giggle and correct me patronizingly - "Oh no, I've never heard that word before. The correct term is ____." (They say this regardless of the fact that a quick google search or an actual conversation with people from this hemisphere will prove otherwise)
Guess what, world? There is usually more than one way to say something, and appearances are not always what they seem. Open your freaking minds, please.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Ramblings on Online Dating
Over the summer, perhaps to forget the bitter taste in my mouth left from a recent break up, I joined an online dating site. In the spirit of discretion we'll call this site OkStupid. This wasn't my first, nor my second adventure in online dating. This was my third pathetic attempt to meet somebody online, you'd think I'd have learned by now...
Before I go any further, I suppose I should say that I harbor no judgement toward people who use these sites - clearly I've used them myself and understand why they're appealing. I also know that these sites are sometimes successful in matching people and starting healthy, happy relationships. However, much like sex on the first date, this appears to be the exception rather than the rule.
I'd had a brief stint with OkStupid the previous summer, when I grew tired of trying to meet people the good old fashioned way. I was still in a vulnerable place from a relationship that had ended a couple years earlier, and that's when I met M. We chatted for a couple months online, I enjoyed talking to him, he made me laugh, so we arranged to meet up. I quickly learned that M had some vulnerability of his own, however. He'd been through some traumatic experiences in his past and had also been cheated on by his ex-fiance. We dated for a few weeks, but it quickly fizzled out and I was back at square one.
A couple months later, still too busy to meet someone in real life, I met C online. C seemed less damaged, fun, thoughtful...until the third date. At that point it became obvious that he had a plan - invest a predetermined amount of time and money for three dates, and on the third date receive the "pay out." He got pushy, I refused, he disappeared.
It was around this time that I deleted my account, and didn't turn back until this summer. That was when I met J. I thought this one was different - he was normal, sociable, never pushy or disrespectful, and we hit it off. We dated for a couple of months, met each others friends, started to get comfortable. I was aware he was still seeing other people, but since our relationship wasn't physical and I wasn't his girlfriend I didn't mind. But one month passed, then two months...after the first couple dates he stopped putting effort into seeing me. We had one last date - dinner at my place. We had a great evening, and then he disappeared without a trace, leaving me with the big blinking question mark over my head.
Through my trial and error process I came to realize some things about the online dating world. There are a lot of reasons we go online looking for dates, but most of them end up as excuses. My excuse was always "I'm too busy to find someone in the real world." But I realized if busy people could start relationships before the internet then I could too. Plus, if I'm really that busy then maybe the real answer is making time for myself, and forcing myself to go out into the real world every so often. A relationship, started online or off, is not going to be healthy if I can't even set aside time for myself - the same goes for men I meet online. Also, while I agree that many men go online looking for easy sex, I think a great deal may start out with better intentions but fall into that trap over time. The online dating scene quickly turns us into the kid in the candy store, making serial dating as easy as shopping for a new shirt. I truly believe that a lot of these men (and women) don't go into this situation with the intention of becoming a serial dater, but I think it inevitably happens over time and becomes habit-forming. Online dating also takes the thrill of the chase out of the equation, and dating etiquette quickly falls by the wayside. Before online dating you were considered a jerk if you dated someone for months, then disappeared off the face of the earth without so much as a "goodbye" phone call. Now the disappearing act is just a part of the whole cycle - the feeling of anonymity and loss of connection is still there even after a few dates, and it's easy to break things off when you have five more strangers waiting in line. I also think this anonymity turns us to the internet in vulnerable times, like break-ups, to help us pad our egos or run from our fears of rejection. We can hide behind our computer screens instead of taking the time to face our loneliness or other baggage. This also sets us up for inevitable failure.
Armed with all these ideas, I took a deep breath and hit the delete button on my OkStupid account. Perhaps I really am too busy to find love in the real world right now, but maybe that's okay. I'm actually quite happy with my life. Even though I still feel that occasional pang coming home to an empty apartment, I realize that I'm a little lonely but not alone. I have friends that I love, and an incredibly challenging graduate program to fill my time. I don't need to fill my time with less-than-fulfilling relationships with near strangers. And - I've decided that the next man I meet is going to have to woo me the old fashioned way.
Before I go any further, I suppose I should say that I harbor no judgement toward people who use these sites - clearly I've used them myself and understand why they're appealing. I also know that these sites are sometimes successful in matching people and starting healthy, happy relationships. However, much like sex on the first date, this appears to be the exception rather than the rule.
I'd had a brief stint with OkStupid the previous summer, when I grew tired of trying to meet people the good old fashioned way. I was still in a vulnerable place from a relationship that had ended a couple years earlier, and that's when I met M. We chatted for a couple months online, I enjoyed talking to him, he made me laugh, so we arranged to meet up. I quickly learned that M had some vulnerability of his own, however. He'd been through some traumatic experiences in his past and had also been cheated on by his ex-fiance. We dated for a few weeks, but it quickly fizzled out and I was back at square one.
A couple months later, still too busy to meet someone in real life, I met C online. C seemed less damaged, fun, thoughtful...until the third date. At that point it became obvious that he had a plan - invest a predetermined amount of time and money for three dates, and on the third date receive the "pay out." He got pushy, I refused, he disappeared.
It was around this time that I deleted my account, and didn't turn back until this summer. That was when I met J. I thought this one was different - he was normal, sociable, never pushy or disrespectful, and we hit it off. We dated for a couple of months, met each others friends, started to get comfortable. I was aware he was still seeing other people, but since our relationship wasn't physical and I wasn't his girlfriend I didn't mind. But one month passed, then two months...after the first couple dates he stopped putting effort into seeing me. We had one last date - dinner at my place. We had a great evening, and then he disappeared without a trace, leaving me with the big blinking question mark over my head.
Through my trial and error process I came to realize some things about the online dating world. There are a lot of reasons we go online looking for dates, but most of them end up as excuses. My excuse was always "I'm too busy to find someone in the real world." But I realized if busy people could start relationships before the internet then I could too. Plus, if I'm really that busy then maybe the real answer is making time for myself, and forcing myself to go out into the real world every so often. A relationship, started online or off, is not going to be healthy if I can't even set aside time for myself - the same goes for men I meet online. Also, while I agree that many men go online looking for easy sex, I think a great deal may start out with better intentions but fall into that trap over time. The online dating scene quickly turns us into the kid in the candy store, making serial dating as easy as shopping for a new shirt. I truly believe that a lot of these men (and women) don't go into this situation with the intention of becoming a serial dater, but I think it inevitably happens over time and becomes habit-forming. Online dating also takes the thrill of the chase out of the equation, and dating etiquette quickly falls by the wayside. Before online dating you were considered a jerk if you dated someone for months, then disappeared off the face of the earth without so much as a "goodbye" phone call. Now the disappearing act is just a part of the whole cycle - the feeling of anonymity and loss of connection is still there even after a few dates, and it's easy to break things off when you have five more strangers waiting in line. I also think this anonymity turns us to the internet in vulnerable times, like break-ups, to help us pad our egos or run from our fears of rejection. We can hide behind our computer screens instead of taking the time to face our loneliness or other baggage. This also sets us up for inevitable failure.
Armed with all these ideas, I took a deep breath and hit the delete button on my OkStupid account. Perhaps I really am too busy to find love in the real world right now, but maybe that's okay. I'm actually quite happy with my life. Even though I still feel that occasional pang coming home to an empty apartment, I realize that I'm a little lonely but not alone. I have friends that I love, and an incredibly challenging graduate program to fill my time. I don't need to fill my time with less-than-fulfilling relationships with near strangers. And - I've decided that the next man I meet is going to have to woo me the old fashioned way.
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