Good grief I hope this one doesn't get me baker acted.
I am at a point where if it weren't for my cat or my family or my friends who care about me, I'd end it. I'm not so selfish I'd put them all through that kind of suffering, so I'm just going to keep going. I also believe in God and that killing myself would be tantamount to spitting in His face, and I don't really want to do that either.
I'm just tired of living. My life is just a series of deadlines of meaningless things I don't even care about, but that professors will magnify to the importance of brain surgery just to exaggerate what a massive failure I am. And that's pretty much it. I'm so broke I don't even know if I'll make rent next month or be able to pay my bills. I can't afford to eat, I don't have time to sleep, and yet I'm expected to have the energy and drive to keep going and perform well.
My mother is dead, she died in late October several years ago, and ever since this time of year has been hard for me. While I love my father and sister, they don't understand me like she did. Nobody does. She was the only one in the family I felt so close to, and when she died I lost my biggest source of support, my sounding board, and the voice of conscience I didn't always want to listen to. I thought that I could perhaps buffer the pain of losing her with one day starting my own family, but that's another part of my life that's become a failure.
I had two very long relationships that went nowhere. The last one was incredibly abusive, and it took a couple years of counseling to undo most of the damage. Since then, I've been alone. I wish I could say I was okay with that, but to be honest I think it would be unnatural for me to entirely accept living alone in an apartment with no possibilities for a family of my own in the future. That may work for some people, but it doesn't for me. I did the stupid thing this year and fell in love with a man in my department. We were friends for a year, I thought I knew him and could trust him. He ran off with an ex girlfriend this summer, and now they're engaged to be married and pictures of the happy couple are splashed all over Facebook. She'll be working in our department next semester. He was just an interruption in a series of creeps who tried to use me for easy sex and then disappeared when they didn't get it. I'll be 28 in a month. The day after Christmas, and like most years I will spend it alone. Christmas, birthday, New Years...
So why should I stick around? So that it can get better? So far it just gets more painful. I'm constantly in a state of anxiety over my finances and my success at school. I have no support network and an empty home. My mom's dead. Men just keep hurting me - no matter how many times I've changed or broken the pattern - they just keep hurting me. I set myself up, they knock me down. All I ever really wanted was a simple roof over my head, a steady job, and a family of my own, and instead I just have pain launched at me from all sides with no escape. There's just no point.
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