For the next year the title of my blog will be slightly misleading. It won't exactly be the ramblings of a 'quilled out grad student since my status as a grad student is on hiatus until August 2013. Maybe I should temporarily rename it "Ramblings of a 'Quilled out Victim of University Politics."
I can't formally file a grievance with my university at the risk of being blacklisted for life from all institutions, and since the only future I'd want to have would be in academia I have to keep my mouth shut. So I'll just impotently bitch my grievances into the blogosphere. I can't sleep and I need to get it onto paper.
Some background information: I was working toward my masters degree at a very prestigious university, and was told upon entering the program that if my class performance was satisfactory and I passed all exit exams that my place in the PhD program would be secure. In my particular program you can't do jack with a masters so the PhD is very necessary to qualify for any sort of career in my field. So you can imagine my current frustration when (1) I performed more than satisfactorily in all course work (I earned a high pass in most classes I took) and (2) passed a battery of exit exams (and was the only student in my year to do so - everyone else failed) and wasn't notified until this month that I was still not accepted into the PhD program. This is the first time my department has done this to someone in over a decade apparently. It wreaks of political bull.
I suppose what makes it so infuriating is that I feel that the university failed so completely and yet the right to complain has been taken from me and they will never accept any sort of accountability for this happening. I can't complain - I still depend on some professors to write my recommendations for other universities, and since I want to work in academia it's best not to make waves. But I remain so incredibly disturbed by what happened. Professors are supposed to teach and yet what they did to me goes against everything I know in my experience as an educator. Their reasoning for not accepting me comes across more as excuses than anything else. How is it possible that I can perform so well in classes only to arrive at the oral exam and evidently perform so badly (on questions that were in no way related to what I was told to prepare or study, by the way) that I have no place in the program? Where was this among all the 'high passes' they handed me over the past two years? Where was this "concern" for my performance when I visited professors at their office hours to discuss papers and presentations? I work from the pedagogical philosophy that you correct a problem as soon as it appears and give the student the chance to improve before casting any final judgement on their ability. I feel that this opportunity was taken from me, most likely because their reasoning is corrupt. I was supposed to work with one professor on my thesis but decided to work with another (who also knew that ultimately I would probably not be working with him on my dissertation) thus I put myself in the position where I'd created no lasting allies and had pissed off a dangerous enemy. Little did I know that this professor has screwed over many a grad student over petty slights and ego trips. Sure enough, he attacked as soon as he saw a chance. Furthermore, I feel that the university failed me in the one function it was supposed to perform - prepare me for a job and support me in securing that job after graduation. I got my masters after all this mess, but a fat load I can do with it - especially given that they didn't notify me until MAY that I wouldn't be coming back next year. I'm suddenly unemployed, no health insurance, no support, and terrified I'll be on the street by the end of the summer. Now I'm in the position where I'm overqualified for most "emergency" jobs (retail, office support, etc.) but under-qualified for any jobs I'm actually trained to do (teach). What does the university actually do, then? I've come away with the impression that it exists to coddle the deeply insecure divas of academia who somehow believe that their "research" is ultimately more important than teaching. It exists as an environment of intellectual masturbation and pissing contests - if you don't believe me just attend a conference and stick around for the Q&A sessions. Nobody even communicates or listens to each other. They just endlessly ramble on to hear their own voices and feel important as the rest stare blankly ahead, nodding their approval at words they don't listen to, slowly formulating questions that will make them appear smart (and usually don't actually relate to what the speaker is saying). In some ways I know this is applicable to me, which is ultimately why academia still appeals to me. I can be the biggest pedantic bullshitter of them all on a good day, just read this blog. I suppose that writing this just stems from such a deep frustration at what the university system was supposed to be and what it actually is. (Don't even get me started on how it really functions more as a business these days, or how its need to whore out our nation's young people for more and more money has flooded the market with holders of useless degrees, no jobs, and paralyzing student debt)...
I just want to teach. I don't want to be a brain surgeon or an astronaut or the CEO of a big company. I'm good at teaching, my students love me. When I teach I accomplish things and have touched people's lives in a positive way. No single other thing in my life has felt as right as teaching does. And thanks to university politics and a saturated market of high school teachers with PhDs I can't even do that. I am just so damn frustrated.
